Post by raptor on Jun 6, 2022 22:56:46 GMT -5
Way deep
In-to the jungle.
Being Vegan
Isn’t a struggle
Let’s all hang out
with our best friend Raptor!
HEY
With our best friend Raptor!
HEEEEY
You know the jingle, don’t act like you don’t. Okay maybe you knew the jingle when it belonged to Gullah Gullah Island, but the pending lawsuit doesn’t allow Raptor to discuss that. Regardless, your favorite vegan, planet saving dinosaur is BACK!
And we are BACK in the jungle. Except this time it’s not being ran by a guy who creeps around in DMs and harasses women to tell him happy birthday on the timeline. No sir! It’s run by a lawyer who hides money in offshore bank accounts.
WOOOOAAAAHHHHH
Suddenly a superhero landing shakes the ground, or maybe just the camera for dramatic effect, for our JUNGLEHOUSE Host. Of course the amazed voices in the background are the JUNGLEHOUSE pals, Raptors biggest fans and definitely not piped in prerecorded voices.
Raptor postures himself up and dusts himself off before waving into the camera with a huge smile on his face.
“Hey JUNGLEHOUSE Pals! Guess who’s back?!”
YAAAAAAAYYYYY
“That’s right! Your Dino-mite Tyrannosaurus Friend! Back to save the world from a disgusting gluttonous generation of selfish meat eaters!”
BOOOOOOO
Raptor raises his hands to calm down the jeers
“Now now, pals. They know not what they do. But soon, very soon we get to travel again”
OOOOOOOO
Raptor pretends like he’s an airplane flying underneath the branches of the trees behind him.
“And when we get there….. that’s when the real fun begins…. Earmuffs JUNGLEHOUSE Pals.”
Raptor whistles and looks at his fingernails waiting for them to cover their ears at home and then his nice friendly nature turns as his smile turns to a snarl.
“I'm not jumping on a plane to go lose to a bunch of fucking gluttonous greedy demonic possessed petulant children who are trying to find another wrestling company to be the champion of. No. I’m traveling in an eco friendly aquatic transportation module and the moment I step foot onto the sand you are all in danger.”
UHHHHOHHHHHHHH
“Last time human beings put a dinosaur on an island they ended up scurrying to make sure they got the furthest from the carnage they watched them cause. That’s what you people deserve. You deserve to be sacrificed to the greater cause so I can spread your charred bodies across the land in an offering to Mother Nature hoping that we heal in time to watch a second extinction. The extinction of every single piece of trash in this business. This open challenge is a trap. This is not your opportunity.”
The snarl disappears as Raptor Pulls his hands away from his ears letting the Pals know it’s okay now.
“Hi JUNGLEHOUSE pals, we’re back! Make sure you get on a rowboat and bring your plant based JungleSnax to the island so you can watch me fix planet earth and the wrestling business all at once. We can call it Raptor Island.”